Hey y’all!

Its been a while, once again… December has come and gone just like that. January has brought its chill and its weather. The weather these past few days has been less than cheery. The storm clouds, the rain, the wind. Weather like this makes my body feel like it is collapsing in on itself. The days are long, the pain is all over, but I still love the rain. I love the smell of sagebrush once the rain has left. Rain washes the dust and smog from the air. As it pours down it takes the imperfections in the air with it. I wish I could be washed away by the rain somedays. That the rain could come down and wash me clean, take away this “affliction”. Staying positive is one of the hardest challenges that I face on a daily basis. One of the craziest things with this diagnosis is that I can have multiple good days. Days where the pain is low and I feel fine, great even.

Unfortunately, night tends to be when my “demons” arise. My back screams in pain, my knees attempt to break in half. Recently, I’ve been plagued with horrific headaches. They make me feel as if my skull is breaking. Sleep is elusive on my worst nights and light on my best nights. Talking to doctors doesn’t help, they like to fill you with pills. Essential oils are an option, but there is a lot of miss-information about them since MLM has taken on. Exercise is a help, but it is getting myself motivated that is the number one problem with it. I do not want to be a downer, I just need a place to vent about what has been happening to me… and that place is here.

Sometimes I wonder if all of the medications I am taking are going to be harmful in the long-run. When I questioned my doctor about this, he said there is not much they can do about planning for the future. Their primary focus is on making sure that my internal inflammation (sounds awful yea?) is kept under control. He told me that the external pain, the pain in my joints, the way my body feels like it is being destroyed, is all secondary to the internal problems. That they want to help me with the pain, but it is secondary to the internal stuff.

Well, on a happier note, I saw a rainbow today. I love rainbows, they are so beautiful a reflection of light through water. They always remind me of hope, of that childlike innocence that we all hold so dear. To me, rainbows are a sign of love, and the beauty that comes after pain. We must take time to enjoy the small things in life. Like right now after storming all day, the wind is still blowing and you can still see the clouds in the night sky. Outside my bedroom window is a barren branch waving in the wind. These sights, these simple little moments are what keep me going. They are what I look forward.

For those who read to the end, thank you.