Knives referring to my new tattoo lol just to clarify.

Hey guy! It has been a hot minute since I’ve been on this blog and I apologize. I have had some really rough times this past summer and into this new semester. Time have been rough but I have an amazing support system of friends and family!

For those of you who follow me on other platforms of social media, I’m sure you’ve seen my “coming out” post about being Asexual. I just wanted to take a moment and comment on that here. Basically what that means is I do not feel sexual attraction towards others, I still feel romantic attraction but that is where it stops. The majority of the time I’m pretty sex-indifferent, meaning it’s an “eh” from me, like not something I am into but I support those who are. There are all different types of asexuals or “aces” as we call our selves. Some are Aromantic or aros who don’t feel romantic or sexual attraction, some are on the gray-ace spectrum or even demi. There are so many different forms of asexuality and all of them are beautiful and valid.

As for romantic attraction I fall on the pan-romantic side (I tend to use biromantic because it works well with the memes). Meaning I’m romantically attracted to all genders and what not’s. It does not matter to me as long as you promise to give me lots of cuddles and possibly occasional kisses (verdicts still out on that one). I just wanted to give a breif update and explanation into who and what I am.

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Spoonie update: I am struggling y’all. I have been on and off of this one medication, Methotrexate for a solid few months. It has some terrifying side-effects but it seemed to keep me from having constant flares. However when I did flare, I flared bad. Unfortunalty, I have not been taking this med for about a month or two now (my doctor stopped prescribing it). I have noticed the return of consistent overall pain but the intense and extreme swelling seems to have calmed down. I am not sure what the answer is on this medication. Many who have tried it had bad experiences, since I’ve been off for a while I’m going to bring up my concerns with my doctor next Thursday. But, they will probaly tell me that all they really focus on is limiting the inflammation not the pain. For pain they want to put me on hard core pain meds — no thank you sir. I want to try going to some other types of doctors but i am just terrified and so so tired. I am tired of doing blood work that comes back “fine”, tired of being told that everything looks great!, tired of being told that “oh well we don’t want to say its Lupus because that’s a serious diagnosis, so we will go with this one for now”. Overall, I am just very tired.

//TW Depression and anxiety: only one paragraph

Another thing has decided to happen recently, my depression and anxiety has decided to spike once more. I used to be extremely depressed in high school but I believe I was quite good at hiding it. I would turn to books or acting extremely manic and hyper to throw off the sent if you will. If you act hyper and crazy its easier to hide the pain that’s inside. Alot of people probably don’t know that about me, it is something that I was very ashamed of growing up. Something that I didn’t even tell my parents about, I just didn’t want to worry them or cause them more stress. I’m trying to work through it, I am not sure what all set me off into such a tail spin but I am working every day to be better. Some days are better than others, but I am doing best, which is all that can be asked

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I had to make an appointment today to go see my doctor next week. I have been on Douloxitine (Cymbalta) for about a year and 1/2 now. It is a nerve pain/antidepressant for my anxiety and pain. It works decently well (up until now might have to up my dosage). However, it happens to have one of the WORST side-effects ever! N A U S E A. Every day that I take it about an hour later I will be intensely sick for about an hour to two hours. There is nothing I can do but wait it out. Fortunately once the nausea ends I feel better and not as anxious but it is living H E L L. I hate being naueous, and I cant take it at night because it causes insomnia (which I already suffer from thank you very much). I just had to go on a mini rant because the nauesa just ended for the day.

Onto more exciting things! I have continued my yoga practice (this will be my third year!!) and can almost do a full frontal split. I tried it for the first time yesterday and am almost all the way to the ground! ME! The most inflexible person ever! I have found yoga to help me with my joint pain and anxiety. It is amazing and I recommend trying it if you can or are interested. I absolutely love it.

This past weekend I went with my friend Anneka to get Friday the 13th Tattoos! It was so much fun, but my chronic illness is not happy (we waited 16 hrs and my body is saying nooooo still). I love the tattoos that I chose. I got a knife on my wrist to represent when I’m down past “no spoons” and only have knives. The other one I got was a dinosaur. Why? Because I thought it was neat. Anneka ended up getting a knife as well with her own meaning for having it on her ankle (Achilles tendon tears can end a dancers career). We then made friends with a woman inline who ALSO got a knife tattoo, therefore we all had to get a photo together!

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Its been tough but I love all of the friends I have made in the past few months and the support Ive gotten not only for my chronic illness but my sexuality as well has been outstanding.